17 The Diary of Jane, 2185

Jane wakes up and deals with being dead and under Cerberus' thumb. Where is her best friend Garrus?

Garrus' personal notes on life after the Reaper war:
I am home. My children kiss and hug me as my mate looks on, a proud smile on her face as I am mobbed. Relni, Ahanna, Solani, Justin and baby Jane. Two of my sons, Jarrus the eldest and Kraitus are not here, Jarrus is on Thessia; Kraitus on Paleven. Our family is a blended one, made up of children born to the two of us, conceived via artificial insemination, adopted or unexpected combinations thereof. They are turian, human and asari.

I touch foreheads with my love renewing a bond that was forged in Reaper fire. Twenty three years since we first met and just a little over twenty since we mated for life. Home is good, family is better. I am a lucky Turian.

We feast and I bathe and put the two younger children bed. Relni goes out with her boyfriend. Ahanna finishes up chores and home work. Solani watches vids. I tell Justin and baby Jane sanitized tales of how  their mother and I saved the galaxy.

I find my Jane in our quarters in an isolated part of our home that overlooks an alpine valley. She sits by the fireplace ablaze against the evenings chill wrapped in my blanket. She smiles. I stroke her check. She pulls me close and licks my mandible.

You escaped the children quickly, she says, how? Bribery I say, I promised to take them to the beach torromow. And I told them you needed my help, with some research. Funny Turian she says.

Later we bask in the afterglow of love making, exhausted and content. Where is this diary I ask? You promised to let me read more.

Garrus, …I'm not sure that I should. I did some things I'm not too proud of and I'd rather just forget about it all.  You don't need this crap for the book. I was neurotic, then.

My heart stops. Did you… was there someone else, I ask, paranoid as any suitor? Was it Kaiden or Liara?

What, she replies? NO! Garrus, I may have sort of read your email. I mean I didn't really read it , I just may have looked to see who you were emailing.

I am stunned because this makes no sense as a reason for shame. That's what commanders do isn't it? How else could order and security be kept on a military ship? What are you worried about?

She, shrugs pulls a data pad from the night stand and gives it to me. But she looks worried… Why?

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Jane's Diary
2185.1
I found this data pad while wondering around the markets on Omega. I don't think Jacob noticed that I kept it and Zaeed wouldn't care. So now I test my encryption skills. Bitch, AI and you rich bastard if you reading this, go screw yourselves. Hack this if you can.

2185.2
My hack has worked or am I dumb. Well, life support hasn't shut down yet so Cerberus either can't or won't hack this pad out of fear that I'll destroy the ship or they are all way better at hacking than me anyway. I don't know why you SOBs really brought me back but screw you all.  

My new Diary… I guess.

I am dead. I am not dead. I am just some walking AI in my old body. What happened to my soul when I died? Am I a soulless automaton or am I Jane?

2185.3
Where are my friends? Where is Garrus? Where are Liara and Wrex? I just stumbled upon Tali on Freedom's Progress. Where is Anderson? Kaiden, blasted Kaiden is out here, somewhere. Should I call Kaiden? Should I call my mom? What if I'm not real? What if this is a dream of horror? I try to remember the old accounts, but I never had to use them, everyone was here with me right on the ship.

I could ask Joker, but then- Cerberus would know.  If I search for public accounts they will know anyway. I search and only find Wrex. He is alive, 'Come to Tuchunka' he says, 'whenever you have time.' Kaiden, and Garrus have vanished. Liara is working for the Shadow Broker or so the man says.

There was a song I remember, from the twentieth century, it said 'Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away,' I cry and cry. My eyes are red and I must stay in my quarters in the shower with hot water streaming down my face to take the swelling away. Where is the life that I recognize? I am not Jane.

2185.4
We have Solis and he is a decent man, I think, at least, he has no reason to lie to me, whether he is decent or not. Now, no more crying. I am surrounded by enemies and deception. I can live or I can cry; I cannot do both. This is my lot and I agreed to see it through with Cerberus, the enemy.  I will go see Anderson to find what remains of my life. Am I Jane or not Jane?

2185.5
I am a SPECTRE again. The Reapers are coming so if I'm dead, or die, my life doesn't matter. I won't call mom. Why upset her if I just die again? What if I am just a damn AI with Jane's memories? I'll find a way to destroy the Collectors. I'll get it done. Why not, I have no life to loose and I've lost everything that mattered.

2185.6
Tomorrow we go look for this Archangel. Aria says we must hurry, but I say what the hell. If he dies, well the illusive man will have to let me have Tali, and I will find Garrus. He is alive, I … feel it. The fight will be a good test for this crazy bitch Jack. I'll take Jacob too, he's strong and I don't sense duplicity there

2185.7
This is a dream of horror, now please let me wake up. Archangel was Garrus and he was almost killed in front of my face. Forgive me that I wished Archangel dead. Karma is cruel.

Three days, the longest I have ever lived, Garrus' life hung by a thread, a thread I cradled in my mind. I thought I had lost him in a pool of blue blood hemorrhaging from his brain. Oh Garrus, my mind begged, don't go. I just found you again. Somehow … he stayed, but this man, this Turian is not the Garrus I remember. He is broken in his soul, in his spirit, as broken as am I.

Oh Garrus what happened to you? But at least Garrus is still alive and willing to fight at my side. I thought, I hoped, Garrus, you would open your arms to me, but you turned away and left me standing in an empty room with dread in my heart. I must not be Jane.

2185.8
Garrus told me what happened to his men, but he did not say how he got to Omega; he is filled with shame and rage. He wants to keep his distance. I am filled with regret and longing but will keep mine.  Garrus is still Garrus and he is not Garrus; same broad shoulders,  same beautiful resonant voice, but the spirit and confidence is gone and that is what I miss. He is all business.

This ship… is filled with surveillance bugs. It is too comfortable. The AI is everywhere; I can't even talk to Joker privately. Perhaps I must give in to this and accept that I will not have real privacy. I must put a good face on this. I must lead. I must be strong... somehow.

Two years is a long time, everyone has moved on, even Garrus. He doesn't want to talk so much anymore. He doesn't tell me jokes anymore. He is here because I saved him, but he has moved on. I must do that too. How? His two years, is my yesterday.

2185.9
We picked up a big Krogan in a tank today and some interesting schematics for weapon mods. It was… a good fight.  A lot has changed in two years, including me. I am not so patient as I was before. I don't mind the killing as much. I do not like this new Jane.

The new L4 implants amplify my natural low level biotics just enough to make them useful. Cerberus upgraded me with that. I wonder what else they changed. I do not like this new Jane.

Garrus and Jacob were solid under fire on Korlis against the Krogan and the Blue Suns. Garrus is better than ever, but he still charges like a moron with a death wish. I bought him new armor but he won't wear it. His is toasted and the integrity has got to be gone. He is so reckless, more than ever to wear fried armor into battle. He doesn't tell jokes  anymore; he just counts his head shot kills. He moves like he is in his own dream… of horror and rage. Am I wrong to long for him to say that he missed me?

Jacob was good today, very good; my new Wrex.  Jacob seems ok but I don't much like Miranda. She has one master and big surprise here, it is not me.

Jack is crazy. I won't piss her off. She could rip the ship apart.

Zaeed isn't easy to talk to, but he has some stories that are good. He needs better armor for the foes we face.

Solis is a nice fellow but a bit scary for a doctor. He and Garrus seem to have bonded. They eat together in the mess hall, but I keep my distance. I have tried to talk to Garrus but he says he is busy calibrating the weapons so that we don't get our butts kicked again. How can I argue with that?

But something is not right. He is so … distant. He must have found someone else… two years is a long time. I wonder if one of his 'men' was a woman, a female, his female. I hadn't thought of that, he said his feelings got in the way of his better judgment, but he didn't say how…

2185.10
I contacted Natalia Butler and just let her talk; there were no females on Garrus's team. We are on our way to Horizon to meet the Collectors. I hope Mordin's counter measures are all they are supposed to be or this could get ugly. My wrecking crew for tomorrow: Garrus and Mordin.

2185.11
Oh where do I start? 1) I don't ever want to see another Collector, 2) the Collectors do horrible perverted things to the people they catch (did they get this crap from the Reapers?) 3) Kaiden was on Horizon, and he was pissed. It's not worth describing except to say that he was furious with both me and Garrus for joining Cerberus. I'm not even angry with him, 4) the Collectors abducted over half the colony. I must have shit for brains to have gotten myself into to this, yet another horrid bad dream.

2185.12
I just figured out something. I can look at the chat and mail logs and see who has been talking to whom. So…. Oh shit- who is Solana? Garrus hasn't been calibrating weapons; he spends half his time chatting with someone on Palaven named Solana, the rest sending encrypted Trojans through bank channels. Is this Solana his wife? Is he robbing banks? What the hell is going on?

2185.13
Who is Solana? This is all I can think of. I am obsessed. Two years; my yesterday. He found someone else. Who is Solana? I could read the emails…but I won't. Garrus has always been a loyal friend, I won't violate his privacy. I'll find another way. Who is Solana?

2185.14
Illium. (Troy or colon depending on how you translate it) And so I found Liara. She is racked with guilt about something, but not ready to talk. I met three other old friends as well and a really cool asari bartender. I remind myself not to drink so much, esp. weird alien drinks that make the bartender look like a fiend. And in the bar was Conrad Verner. Poor guy, he has a noble heart, but he's a moron and I just had to shoot him in the foot. I'm bad, but it felt good.  I do not like this new Jane.

Jacob wants me to help him track down his dad's missing ship. Zaeed also wants something, a job he forgot to finish I think. I woke up the Krogan, he is… a dangerous child.

2185.15
Many of the females on the crew have also noticed Garrus, my yeoman for example, and a few others. I thought Cerberus people didn't like aliens? Like all the aliens you want, just not my alien.

2185.16
Garrus has up graded the weapons system. He helped the engineers sort out some bugs in forward coupling arrays. He totally ignores me. I am driven to a madness I cannot show.  Where is the life that I recognize? What happened to my yesterday.  Two years. Who is Solana?

2185.17
I wonder if Liara could help me find out about this Solana, but Liara had her own interests in me…. Better not go there. And she has her own worries. She went to and lot of trouble to find me, save me; was she driven by love or was it … I don't know, something is wrong. Who is Solana? I must find out.  Think Jane.

You could ask him.  "Hey Garrus, did you get married while I was dead for two years?" Right, NFW will I ask Garrus that.

Could ask Joker; rather not; then everyone would know it mattered to me because Joker cannot keep his mouth shut about anything.

You could look up records if he was human, but I'm not even sure Turians keep records about that stuff. That would sure look nice on the news vids: "Dead SPECTRE seeks marital status of Turian shipmate."

You could ignore this and focus on the work. No. I can't focus. There is… feminine guile. Hmmm, that would be the real test of whether or not I am Jane

Probably I should just focus on the upcoming mission to find this Krios fellow before he offs Dantius and disappears. No I've got to settle this. Who is Solana? Who is Solana? Think Jane. Think.



2185.18
Maybe I am alive. I still have my feminine guile. I offered to take Garrus to Palaven to visit his family and he said no he was fine and committed to the mission. I asked him about his dad and if he had other family and long story short, Solana is his little sister. When he said that, the sick, heavy feeling just slid off me. Wheww! I'm elated. I can't wait to go after Krios now. I feel so much better. For the first time I do feel alive and yes, happy and yes a bit like Jane.

2185.19
It was a great fight up through that tower. I floated on pure adrenaline and we found a ton of guns and mods. This was the best day since I woke up. Garrus was shooting his ass off and didn't get knocked out once. Krios is a poet and he is dying but he is willing to help and his skill set is very good. He is reptilian, but not like Krogan. Drell are like dancers, thin and lithe, light of foot.  

2185.20
Garrus found Sidonis, he wants my help. I have promised to take him as soon as we recruit this Asari justicar.

2185.20.2
We got the justicar and I have spoken with her. If ever I were to fall in love with a woman, it would be Samara. I have never met a more stable, single minded soul. She has… purpose and a confidence that I envy.

2185.20.3
Went shopping on Illium (fun!) and took Jack and Garrus. Garrus was in misery and whined the whole time as Jack and I looked over everything from guns to bras. I don't get why guys hate shopping. I was hoping that was just humans, but Turians males are no different about this. Garrus wanted to go back to the ship as soon as he figured out it was a shopping trip.

Our foray into Victoria Secrets fav.me/d5fex1m  did not improve his mood, even though the Asari clerks thought he was a real stud for hanging with two hot human babes buying lingerie. One of them even slipped him her private omni tool contact channel. I gave her the back off bitch look, but she stood her ground in spite of my guns. Then I said 'I'm Commander Shepard, Do you know my reputation? Who are you?" She said, "You're Shepard?" and looked all confused.  I folded my arms across my chest and she just left. Garrus said, 'That was so unnecessary Jane.' I nearly fainted, it is the first time he has ever called me Jane.

I got Jack more clothes, and she is happier. She bought some shades and now looks cool. I also got Miranda some decent clothes that are not so tight. Perhaps she will be more pleasant without the wedgie in her ass.

I tried to buy something for Garrus but he refused again and again: clothes, no; tools, no; guns, no; different armor, no; snacks, no, no, no. Can we go now- I hate shopping, he said.

Jack thought it was funny. He likes you, she said, he's showing you his macho. Garrus scratched his head and looked down cast, but said nothing. When we got back to the ship he stalked off to the battery. I set a course for the Citadel; maybe if I help him put this behind him, he will get himself together. I don't know about killing his old friend though. We'll see. I'll pick up the thief while I'm there.

2185.21

I convinced Garrus to let his old friend go. There was no revenge, but I am sure it is what is best for Garrus. He beat the crap out of Harkin though and it was a pleasure to see. Oofph, right in the balls and Harkin just dropped. I protected Sidonis until he confessed and begged for redemption.  I hope Garrus will be a more merciful Turian now. I hope, for who knows if I will ever need that mercy. Now I must go and talk to him, and see if we can be friends again.

2185.22.1
Garrus just told me a story about one of his old lovers and I somehow managed to tell him I wanted to be his new lover. He said 'yeah', just like that; as if... he expected me to ask him and had been waiting for it. And then, there on his face for the first time since he came on the ship, I saw his old smirky, satisfied Garrus look. The same look he had at my door on the old Normandy when he tried to make me pay for the drinks… I think… I have been played. I've never been happier.

2185.22.2
We are on our way to Bekenstein to deal with Kasumi's issues. I went to talk to her and she gave me several surprises. Katsumi is sweet, and sad and missing her lover. She has been on the ship for less than two hours but she already knows about me and Garrus. How? She said Garrus really likes you… my heart skipped. She said lots of people want to see the two of you together. So does the whole ship know? Shit I have been trotting my ass up to the battery to visit him quite a bit, haven't I. I did read his communication log, didn't I? I long for the old intimacy we had, the talks the laughter, the planning together.  I guess my heart has been on my sleeve about him; I hope… I don't lose my shirt.
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I put the data pad aside, I'll read more later. Jane's back is towards me but she is awake, pretending to be asleep. I pull her close molding my body around hers and nuzzle her neck. Mad, she asks? At you for being madly in love with me, I reply. No never….

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