12 The Diary of Jane

Garrus learns of the destruction of the Normandy and reacts... badly. Shepard's memorial service and the after math.

Earth 2183-4. The Memoirs of Garrus Vikarian
Jane this is probably the hardest part for me to write. I've never been able to describe to you what happened that day, but I know this is the thing you have been most curious about for the last twenty years. I hope this clears up some of the nagging questions about exactly why I "went off the deep end" as you say. G.

Earth 2183-4. The service was in London, Anderson arranged it. At some huge temple, Saint Paul's I think it was called. It was packed, flowers and dignitaries everywhere. I was so numb. I didn't even hear what they said about you or Pressly or anyone. I just kept thinking, I'll never see her again, and I never told her how I felt… Damn.

Afterwards we went to Anderson's friends family home in Pall Mall, very posh. People were everywhere, talking about you, the Alliance brass, Turian, Asari and Salarian military people and the surviving Normandy crew. I was wandering around in a daze, looking at the art work on the wall, all these masterpieces. There was his tiny woman there talking to Liara in a corner, wearing a dress uniform with mourning bands. Her eyes were red and swollen, but she looked just like you; your mother.

On the coffee table in one of the drawing rooms was the small bronze of a horse. I'd seen it before, at a cultural exchange exhibit between the Royal Gallery of Art and the Turian National Museum. The artist was named Haseltine and it was an exquisite piece, a rearing animal, hair flying in the wind. I stupidly said to Anderson that I'd seen the original ten years before on Palaven. Anderson just smiled, but Alenko, who was standing in ear shoot on the other side of the coffee table, said "Christ Garrus that is the original."

I felt like an idiot and started to apologize to Anderson, but he blew it off. We stood there making mindless small talk about the people who had collected all the  art in the house, but I could hear Alenko talking about the Normandy's last moments. He was telling Councilor Tevos the whole sorry tale of the attack. Anderson and I stopped talking to listen. I could tell that Anderson had already heard this story; his eyes were on me, looking back and forth between Kaiden and I. Then Alenko… said it.

He said how proud he was to have been the one to follow your last order. Your last incredibly bad, very reckless, and stupid order. So he… left you and Joker, and abandon ship with the crew.

I'm not sure what happened really, the next thing I knew I had vaulted over the coffee table, and the priceless bronze Haseltine was on the floor. I grabbed Alenko around the neck. He had seen me coming and thrown out some biotic power, it knocked us both up into the air. We floated there, grappling. Anderson yelled at me to let go, but… I didn't. I just wanted to die, to kill Alenko with my bare hands for letting you die. I was hoping, someone would shoot me, end my… pain. I hated myself for not being on the Normandy that day. I would never have left without you.

Liara screamed and used biotics to pull us down to the floor, then I heard Councilor Sparatus' gravel voice say 'Garrus this won't bring her back. I'm sure your self-destruction would not have pleased her.' I didn't even know he was there. It bought some reason to my mind. I let go, jumped up and walked out into the rainy London streets. I ended up in a pub where the patrons had never seen a real live turian before. Someone bought me a pint of warm, rancid tasting, black beer that I liked after the second mug. Joker tracked me down via omni tool. I got filthy drunk and we played darts all night. I was ill for three days afterwards.

Joker had no idea who had attacked the Normandy and he said that the brass and the council was stonewalling both him and your mother. He drew a sketch of the ship on a napkin. I told him what every turian military recruit learns in basic training; it was a Collector ship. Why the Alliance wanted to cover this up is beyond me to this day.

Sparatus, Tevos and Liara were still at Anderson's house when we returned the next morning.  Sparatus asked me rather sheepishly if there anything he could do to help. I was so sick I thought I would just puke on his feet. Get me out of the fucking military; I don't want to be a SPECTRE anymore, I told him. To my upmost surprise he didn't even try a negotiation or offer some platitude like "give it time" or other stupid shit he's famous for. He just said "done" and walked away. Tevos and Liara said not a word.

(In case you didn't know this: it was widely rumored that Tevos used her "Asari talents" to get Sparatus to vote her way in council matters. He certainly found it hard to disagree with her. I hadn't believed it until then, but there was something about the body language that passed between them at that moment that, told me it was true. Sparatus was clearly fed up about something and I could tell that Tevos was at the heart of it.)

I'll give Anderson credit, I should have been prosecuted for assault, but he talked to Alenko, who wasn't really hurt, and hushed everything up. I got my discharge from the military and soon after that I had the offer to clean up Omega for an "interested party" who provided a nice cash advance. I figured… I'd get killed quickly. That was what I wanted anyway. It was the only way… I'd find… you again… In the mean time I would try to figure out why the Collectors had taken the Normandy out and taken you away from me.

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